No matter how many times Im told I'm not alone, I feel more alone. The crickets and the tic tock of clocks are unhappy reminders every evening of how alone I truly am. Waves of decent gestures, big written notes of get wells and moments of time spliced into smiles and laughter shared with people who believe to love me make me feel more alone and I don't know how to shut off my mind. How do I shut off my true feelings of not wanting to blink or breath? I keep wishing to the Universe that when I go to sleep I don't wake up to see the next day filled with falsehood and unsolicited hellos. I am swamped in a world where I stare at walls and choke on hopes that my life would be better in some other form. It's very easy to tell someone that it will be okay rather than to prepare them for truth and that is life is unknown, the paths we walk we could have every bit of energy directed to a positive but torn completely towards another way in an instant. My instant came and I have no idea how to navigate in this. I don't know how I can keep up the facade that I want to be here living the way I am. We are taught that death is an end or possibly a beginning of something. We hang on to notions of damnation towards others who feel like I feel and that's simply just checking out so my energy can check into a new life. I'm unsure if it will be better than what I desire desperately to leave behind but I know pain, true internal emotional pain can't follow. I've held in the belief that my life is ruined, but really its just the idea of what I wanted and wished my life to be for 20 something years and a forceful reset has been pressed but not by my own hand. I think if I pressed it, it wouldn't be this way. I was totally faking it till I made it these past few months, but damn I am very tired. People keep saying have strength, have this to look towards or that... what the fuck? What the fuck! What the fuck! Nothing makes sense, we just keep faking it and making it appear to make sense of senselessness with no one taking responsibility. I honestly don't want to be here anymore and it doesn't scare me, however I am worried about those who are in my circle stomping on my ashes calling me names and being angry so know your fire prevents my candle from burning out, but I don't want to be here. I am as I have always been since I was a little, waiting for my death by external means so I can finally say goodbye.
